THIS WASN'T THE FIRST time that David had tried to amputate his leg. When he was just out of college, he'd tried to do it using a tourniquet fashioned out of an old sock and strong baling twine.
David locked himself in his bedroom at his parents' house, his bound leg propped up against the wall to prevent blood from flowing into it. After two hours the pain was unbearable, and fear sapped his will.
Undoing a tourniquet that has starved a limb of blood can be fatal: injured muscles downstream of the blockage flood the body with toxins, causing the kidneys to fail. Even so, David released the tourniquet himself; it was just as well that he hadn't mastered the art of tying one.
Failure did not lessen David's desire to be rid of the leg. It began to consume him, to dominate his awareness. The leg was always there as a foreign body, an impostor, an intrusion.
He spent every waking moment imagining freedom from the leg. He'd stand on his "good" leg, trying not to put any weight on the bad one. At home, he'd hop around. While sitting, he'd often push the leg to one side. The leg just wasn't his. He began to blame it for keeping him single; but living alone in a small suburban townhouse, afraid to socialise and struggling to form relationships, David was unwilling to let anyone know of his singular fixation.
David is not his real name. He wouldn't discuss his condition without the protection of anonymity. After he agreed to talk, we met in the waiting area of a nondescript restaurant, in a nondescript mall just outside one of America's largest cities. A handsome man, David resembles a certain edgy movie star whose name, he fears, might identify him to his co-workers. He's kept his secret well hidden: I am only the second individual whom he has confided to in person about his leg.
The cheerful guitar music in the restaurant lobby clashed with David's mood. He choked up as he recounted his depression. I'd heard his voice cracking when we'd spoken earlier on the phone, but watching this grown man so full of emotion was difficult. The restaurant's buzzer went off. Our table inside was ready, but David didn't want to go in. Even though his voice was shaking, he wanted to keep talking.
"It got to the point where I'd come into my house and just cry," he had told me earlier over the phone. "I'd be looking at other people and seeing that they already have their lives going good for them. And I'm stuck here, all miserable. I'm being held back by this strange obsession. The logic going through my head was that I need to take care of this now, because if I wait any longer, there is not much chance of a life for me."
It took some time for David to open up. Early on, when we were just getting to know each other, he was shy and polite, confessing that he wasn't very good at talking about himself. He had avoided seeking professional psychiatric help, afraid that doing so would somehow endanger his employment. And yet he knew that he was slipping into a dark place. He began associating his house with the feeling of being alone and depressed. Soon he came home only to sleep; he couldn't be in the house during the day without breaking into tears.
One night about a year ago, when he could bear it no longer, David called his best friend. There was something he had been wanting to reveal his whole life, David told him. His friend's response was empathetic — exactly what David needed. Even as David was speaking he began searching online for material. "He told me that there was something in my eyes the whole time I was growing up," David said. "It looked like I had pain in my eyes, like there was something I wasn't telling him." Once David opened up, he discovered that he was not alone. He found a community on the internet of others who were also desperate to excise some part of their body — usually a limb, sometimes two. These people were suffering from what is now called Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID).
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